So here it is, the honest truth… the stuff I generally keep bottled up. But today I choose to share it because maybe through my sharing someone else can relate and know that they are not alone. I am also writing this just as much for me as I am for you. A way to release, a way to let go, and a way to process what has been happening. I do warn you, this blog does reach a certain level of ‘woo woo’, so enter at your own risk. I may lose some of you along the way, but if it interests you read on…
Life has been pretty shit lately. A lot has happened, but at the same time not much at all. For anyone that knows me, they know that I am 90% of the time a happy go lucky kinda gal - full of beans and smiles for miles. But things have been a little different of late. These last few weeks have forced me to go to places within me that I have kept buried from the world for some time.
It was about a month ago that everything changed. Out one Monday morning for my sunrise run in the rain I made one wrong step and slipped over tearing 3 ligaments in my ankle. Whilst it is no life threatening injury, and there is definitely people far worse off than me with far more suffering, it has been a very debilitating injury for me. For a usually very active person, these weeks of stillness have been a struggle, a struggle physically, but more so mentally. And this little ankle injury seemed to be the catalyst for a myriad of challenges to come my way. It seemed like day after day challenges were being thrown at me from all directions - home life, work life, financially, relationships, body physical body issues, you name it - shit was hitting the fan in every direction and every single day just seemed to get harder. And with no escape but stillness I have been forced to feel and be with it all, forced to reflect, and this is the musings of my mind about it all…
I felt so much guilt to be causing a big deal over any of this. There are people out there with no home to go to, or food to eat. There are people dying and people that will never walk again. And here I was complaining about a few weeks on crutches and some struggles with people in my life. I had no right…. But of course I do, I am a human being that has the right to feel feelings. And whilst perspective is a very wonderful thing to have and serves such a powerful purpose, we have to remember that everything is relative and that it is okay to be upset, it is okay to feel hard done by and overwhelmed. It’s okay to cry and express sadness. And there we have it…
Realisation - I had guilt associated with expressing sadness.
I didn’t want to be the victim, I wanted to be strong. I didn’t want cry, I wanted to be strong. I didn’t want anyone to know that I felt down, I wanted to be strong. I was always the happy one, I was the one that everyone counted to be happy and energetic - I had to be strong… I didn’t want people to see the raw and the real, I denied that part of me existed.
Realisation - I had been hiding a part of me, too scared to ever allow myself to be truly vulnerable. And without vulnerability there will be no evolution.
CONFUSION & TRUST
Why me? Why now? Why this? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??? I have spent so much time working on bettering myself, balancing myself and trying to listen and learn from the messages I have received, yet apparently it wasn’t enough. Why when I feel like I have flowed with the guidance of the universe does it then turn around and bite me in the arse? I just don’t understand. Why has injury all of a sudden become such big part and commonly occurring part of my life? It is not an identity I connect with. I spent so much time, energy and frustration questioning all of this. I pleaded to the universe to make me understand, but then it came, a hard one to fully embody, but a realisation none the less…
Realisation - We will never have all the answers, sometimes things make no logical sense, but somewhere out there it all makes perfect sense. Somewhere out there it is all part of a perfect plan, and it is our job to learn to trust even in the hardest of times.
Realisation - On a deeper level, I have along the way started to identify myself as an injured person. I had not let go of energetic trauma from past experiences so they were manifesting more of the same.
And then from here the realisations just came flooding in….
Distraction - Through all of this stillness it has made me realise how much I usually use my busy life as a distraction. And whilst I love my life and lifestyle choices, I usually am go go go with little time to process, little time to feel. Through all of this forced down time I have realised that exercise has always been my release, and whilst this is a good thing in so many ways, I now see that I have pretty much always masked my emotions and feelings with exercise and not allowed myself to feel or process things properly. So I need to practice what I preach and find balance in my life of business with some stillness.
Mediation - This powerful practice that I so often neglect. A practice that although I know how life changing it can be, I had not prioritised - maybe out of a deeper fear, maybe out of laziness, or maybe for whatever other reason. But this practice now more than ever is showing me how transformational it can be. It also is that perfect link in creating a balance of stillness in my energetic fast paced life. It is a lesson I feel that I have been not listening to for a while now. It is how I slow down, how I feel, how I process, how I give myself time to be still in my usual world of doing.
Energetic Balance > Feminine / Masculine - This is another big one that in the last 6 months or so seems to have kept popping up, but it wasn’t until now when I was forced to really listen that I started to actually understand. Up until now, without even realising it, I have lived a life largely dominated by my masculine energy. I have lived a very independent life where I have been strong, tough, driven and stable. And whilst there are definitely strong elements of the feminine present, I have never really been someone who is emotionally vulnerable or emotionally expressive and allowed the feminine to really shine. This last injury has forced the feminine to step up (literally as the left side of my body, which is the feminine, has had to take charge as the right is injured). I have also been consciously working on strengthening the feminine by embracing more creative, nurturing, nourishing, flowing, soft, sensual rituals in my life. I have forced myself to open and be emotionally vulnerable to people I wouldn’t usually let in. And through all of this, it has actually been pretty incredible noticing the changes it has created within my life in just a few short weeks.
Money Attachments - As always, this is a big one, attachments to money. The way money controls our lives is outrageous. And there is nothing like some financial struggles to remind us to practice non attachment to this energetic thing that has so much control over us.
Boy oh boy has there been some releasing. I felt anger like I haven’t felt in years, I have felt frustration and let it boil up. But the most profound part of it all is that I have cried. I have cried and cried and cried. Now that may not seem like a big deal for some, but for me, it is a big deal! I am not someone that usually cries. There have been many times in my life that I have wanted to cry, I have needed to cry to let it out and I just couldn’t. So for me to be crying, it’s big. It’s weird for me, and I see myself automatically try to fight it away, but then remind myself it’s okay. It’s like I have unlocked some chamber within me and all of this pent up emotion is pouring out. It’s the release I so badly needed. It’s my feminine finally being allowed to express herself fully and letting go of all that no longer serves me.
And there you have it. It’s been an interesting few weeks, and it’s hard to put in to words. But in my attempt to embrace the feminine and be more vulnerable, I am sharing this with you.
Now maybe you actually made it to the end of this and you are sitting there thinking, “Geez Elise, you really do have way too much time on your hands and you are definitely overthinking this and your woo woo hippie stuff has gone too far.”, or maybe there are some points that you can relate to, or maybe you 100% can relate … but the point is that we are all on this journey, we are all learning, growing and evolving. And although sometimes things may look all perfect and wonderful on the outside, we all have our shit days, months, times. But in these times, when we actually take the time to reflect, we grow.